Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
