last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
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The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
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You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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