jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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