my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
