i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
