im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize