I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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