there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
