I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
