Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
