i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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