so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
