U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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