Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
