I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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