jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
