Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How does one acquire holy water?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
