btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm sobbing to NWA
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
