whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
