her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
