Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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