do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
