My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
