I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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