I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
