I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
