My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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