Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
how drunk are you?
Several
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
