My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
