when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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