yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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