I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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