this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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