Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
