Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
