at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
