i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Randomize
