I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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