Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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