Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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