did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
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Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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