I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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