Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
