I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
