life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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