Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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