After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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