I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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