hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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