On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
