We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
