happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
